Van Khirun : 02 - Anger management

I had enough! I don’t want to hear, feel or care for anything which I do not have interest with. I feel damn stupid, i feel damn useless and I feel so F*** up right now. I don’t know why this people like and want to judge me from what they hear and see. Is it wrong to have nothing to do on a Saturday or Sunday? I say, I don’t give a damn of what you or anyone might think. I know what the hell I’m doing with my life and if I fail, at least I dint follow any orders from you and I’m not that fella you think I am!

So please shut up… I had enough!

Recently I had a call from someone, someone which once I really cared and respect. He told me that he regret everything that he did wrong last time. This person which I know very well is a person which for me had everything which he wanted in life. But he just have to loose it all to his gambling habit, because of this habit he loose the trust and respect that once I had for him. He loose his money, job and love ones in this stupid habit which he had. Now why am I writing this in my blog? Reason is to make everyone which who will read this to realize, that gambling doesn’t make you rich.. maybe.. but most of the time you will loose because it is never enough. My friend (you know who you are) if you read this please realize that when I advise you every single time when I know you are going to gamble, is all because I do not want you to be like the person that I know.. loosing everything at the end of the day. For me, I hate people who gambles to think that they want to win and get rich with it. That is all bullshit, just work you IDIOTS! Believe me, I do not want anyone of you to become like this person which I know.. he loss everything when he started to gamble.. everything.

I feel so disappointed that the people that i cared so much, doesn’t really believe or even trust me. I felt like you (you know who you all are) doesn’t know that how much i really care and appreciate you all. To be honest, the thing that I hate the most is being betrayed and lied to as if I’m a fool. If your able to hide it from me than it is ok, but too bad god always wants to hurt me by letting me know that one of you had lied to me. How do I know? Just say that if you one to lie or anything, make sure it is a good excuse or reason. I felt so disappointed recently went I got to know that one of you had lied to me, the bad things is.. I saw it myself! It really hurts me, the people that I thought I could believe and trust couldn’t even tell me the truth. Is good to give excuses once in a while, but why must someone lied when I thought we could understand each other well. I do not know, but I really felt really disappointed. Felt like no one trusted me. Felt like I’m not what I thought I am in everyone of you, a friend. As I say before, again and again.. the most things that make me angry and easily upset is people betraying me. I hope you all could just tell me anything instead of telling me lies to just make me happy or what. It really hurts to know it is all a lie.

I want to stop smoking, I am starting to smoke a lot more recently. Almost two box a day! I know for some of you it is a joke, a person like me will stop smoking. I really need too.. I am smoking too much.. scared that I get even worst than I am right now. But threes no point for me to tell you guys in this blog, I know that the only person who can control or decide at the end of the day is me because is my life. I will put this as a reminder to me not to smoke more, guys if you are a friend.. please whack me or what whenever I smoke too much. I’m afraid of myself.. damn!

I dint feel a thing today even when I get myself injured. I’m so crazy right now that even me myself do not know why am I being so upset. I know it is not a good thing, but that’s the only way that I could release and forget what I’m thinking right now. Feel disappointed of myself, of what I’m becoming and of what I’ve tried to do! Damn all of this problems and the hell with it, I want to enjoy my life and I will prove that I’m not gonna be bothered by it. To you, you know who you are.. I will get even with you.. just wait.. I’ll make sure I get you back bad, real bad!

Today on the way back from college, I was so down and moody so I dint expect anyone to bother me at all. As I was walking back in this mood that I had, this some lucky bastard just have to be "cool" and drive damn fast. I was about to cross the road and this stupid fella just drove damn fast and nearly bang me! I was so angry that I whack his window so hard, the driver came out from the car and look at me in anger. Of course I gave him back the stupid look and walk away because to me I’m not wrong at all. So he started to talk all the flower words, at first I was so cool about it because I do not want to start any fight or problems but he just have to try me. I went to him and we start to quarrel until at one point he nearly throw a punch at me. (lucky he dint) I dint know why I get so upset now a days so easily, I’m afraid of myself.

I cant imagine that I’m at home the whole day today. Played games almost the whole day and cant stop smoking.. someone save me. Everyone is so busy to lepak with me. Haih.. i feel so lonely now, feel damn sienz. T_T sob sob!

This boring day had me think a lot of stuff. Which makes me so "fahn" right now, want to have a drink.. feel damn down now.

Save me somebody….

Don’t ask me why am I writing a blog, I don’t have an idea why? It is just to boring right now in the class. Imagine you are studying E-Commerce with the Internet connection are so damn bloody slow.. F%^&! I feel that things are changing in my life. I feel that I’m more caring towards people rather than hating them. Even the people that I hate so much that last time I would just ignore them, now I will be nice to them as good as I can be. But it doesn’t mean they can go cross my limit, I still will be me but I will control my anger. Hmm… anyway to my football and ITA friends, sorry I dint turn up for our weekly futsal game. Was so busy last week, hahaha! To my beruk brother.. F*&% you lar.. /gs.. hahaha! I don’t know what I want to write anymore, just damn boring right now. To whoever who read this post.. sorry for the waste of time reading this stupid post.. hahahaha! Bored to death!!!!!!

I like to think all the bad things, especially when it comes to my personal life. I had this habit which I like to judge what I don’t see and imagine what is happening, you get what I mean? Meaning I like to imagine what is actually happening somewhere, someone or even anything which I care for when I don’t really know the fact. This is so damn bad because with this thinking, I keep thinking the worst and sometimes if that matter really is important to me I would have trouble sleeping at night. Worst of all I will make a decision base on what do I think. Like for this week I keep finding my friends which I feel so sorry for them because they need to lepak with me until so early in the morning. As I say in my recent post, I do not want to think to much of my problems but it takes time. This week really had a lot of advise from my classmate in college which I really appreciate them for helping me, even though sometimes is hard to take it.. but it is true for what they got to say about me. Is not that I do not want to discuss this matter with = Ben, Doug, Jane = but I really think I need to find some older person to talk too. I really appreciate for you guys to offer me your help but I feel I need to talk to people who is older as they would have much more experience in this problems. Ben you are always my brother beruk, beruk family rules. Doug and Jane thanks for noticing my post when I needed some advice. Thanks to all of you who help me and care for me when I really need it. I promise to that this will be the last emo from me, I hope.. hahaha! *we need a drinking session you know, ITA.. long time dint have it.. remember the favorite drinks.. Bullshit!*

Its been a day I dint smoke. Imagine me not smoking for a day.. is not right you know. I think something really hit me on the head or something, I dint feel like smoking the whole day but until now.. I’m so crazy for it but I cant go out to buy it. Damn, but this is a good sign meaning I still can quit after so long with this bad habit. I really need to quit, that thing is not getting cheaper but it is always going up by RM1.00 a year. Damn the government but it is a good way to make us smokers quit.. hahaha! Haih… now thinking of what I can do in this boring day without any cigarettes with me, arghhhhhhhhhh!